Faux-Paus and No-Paus
by Lindaloo.kgo
Summary: What not to do in Fanfiction. Contains stereotypes, Mary Sues and Gary Stus, clichés, and plenty of other fun things. Suggestions welcome!
1. Fairy on Steroids

**Disclaimer: Have I ever said I owned Twilight? Okay, maybe once, but that was just a joke. Oh wait, make that twice. I forgot about the time with Roger and Emmett...anyways, I don't own Twilight. However, I am certain I may, very soon, actually, own something of my own. If I ever get off my lazy butt and finish writing it.**

**I am here to tell you about all the things people do on Fanfiction-stereotypes, Mary Sues and Gary Stus, and things of the like.**

**These will be chapters made entirely of what ****_not_**** to do in a fanfiction. Most of these will be totally random instances. Some will not be in the Twilightverse. And most will be slightly exaggerated. And when I say ****_slightly,_**** I actually mean it. ****_You have been warned._**

**Some chapters may become quite outrageous, so I take no liability if you either fall out of your chair laughing, or you get hit by a truck or something.**

**On that note, on with the faux-paus!**

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Chapter One-Fairy on Steroids

Alice's stereotype-can it get any worse?

"OEMGEE BELLA! I JUST GOT THIS IN THE MAIL!" Alice screeched, running into Bella's house. Because she does that sometimes.

"Huh?" Bella said, looking up from her book as Alice burst through her bedroom door. Quite literally, actually. And she didn't even knock first.

"LOOK LOOK LOOK!" she squealed, opening the magazine she held in her hands and jabbing a finger vaguely towards the Celebrity Mistakes page.

"Well Gwyneth definitely could have picked a better dress. And Taylor-"

"DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE? NO, I DON'T! SO STFU, BIOTCH, AND LOOK AT THIS SEXY BEAST!" Alice screamed, slapping Bella. She resumed her vague finger jabbing.

Bella rubbed her cheek, being used to Alice's hyperness. The voices in her head had made sure of that.

She another attempt at guessing which picture Alice's vague finger jabbing was directed at. "I don't see anything wrong with Robert Pattinson. Why is he on this page?"

Alice looked at her in disbelief for a full three minutes and forty-two-point-six-nine seconds, her mouth agape, not breathing. Then, just as suddenly(which was very, by the way), she began breathing again. And probably thinking, if that had ever happened in her brain in the first place. And yelling.

"HE'S WEARING LIPSTICK!"

"OH!"

"YEAH!"

"WHY AM I YELLING?"

"IDK, WHY ARE YOU YELLING?"

"BECAUSE YOU WERE YELLING?"

"PROBABLY. ANYWAYS, I STILL THINK HE'S HOT. EVEN IF I'M MARRIED, BECAUSE I DON'T CARE."

"I prefer Edward," Bella said, wishing Edward was with her just then, even if she knew he and his family had to hunt. Except for Alice. Alice never hunts. She always stays home when the rest of the Cullens go hunting. She only shops. And she always takes Bella with her. Because she doesn't have anything better to do. Like hunt.

And with that, Alice turned and pranced gracefully like a dancing water fairy out of Bella's room, clicking her tongue in a scolding manner.

"Bella, Bella, Bella. You have no taste."

As she danced fluidly like a fluttering butterfly out of Bella's house and down the street, Charlie poked his head into the hallway from his bedroom.

"What the hell?"

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**Leave a review cookie on the table for me?**


	2. A Stumbling, Blubbering Fool

**I'm back with another chapter! So, has anyone noticed that sometimes Bella can be really stupid? And clumsy? And her brain doesn't function?**

**Well, that is the product of an out-of-control fangirl's imagination. Feel free to come at me with pitchforks and itching powder. I am British. I came prepared.**

**No, Bella is not a bumbling, stumbling fool. She has a brain. She can make her own decisions. And she doesn't trip over every pebble she sees.**

**Unlike in this chapter. Don't do this at home. Or at all.**

* * *

"Is this a good idea?" Jasper asked, looking at Bella curiously.

"Why not? It's not like a car is going to come by and hit us without us seeing it first." she replied cheerfully, tripping over a pebble and falling on her face.

They were walking in the middle of the road, in Port Angeles-it had been Bella's idea, of course. Everything stupid always was.

Like the fact that everyone else that saw them oh-so-conveniently ignored the fact that the vampires were sparkly. That was Bella's fault, too. Yeah.

Bella was making a point of walking on the yellow lines in the middle of the road. Once she got to a passing zone, she stopped for a moment, confused. Then, she very tentatively took a step forward onto the first little yellow line that was detached from the others. Pretty soon, she was skipping along happily(still stepping on the yellow lines), singing, "Singing In the Rain" like an angel(Or banshee, who knows?), because that's obviously how Bella sings, even though none of us have ever heard her sing before(unless you're a stalker).

"Love, there isn't any rain." Edward said, covering his ears with his hands in an attempt to block out the horrible screeching sounds that were coming from Bella's throat, while Bella fell on her face. Again.

Bella got up. She stopped. She thought. She thought some more. Then she started singing again, only this time she was singing, "This is the Song That Never Ends." Once again, like an angel *coughcoughbansheecough*.

Nobody on the sidewalks even cared.

Bella fell on her face again.

Eventually(Actually, it was about thirty-seven seconds, because she has the attention span of a goldfish. But that's not important.) Bella got tired with the song that never ends, so she ended it.

Then Bella got Edward, Alice, Emmett, Jasper, and Rosalie to start a barber-shop sextet with her, because she's cool like that. And she doesn't have anything better to do. Like hunt. Oh wait, that's Alice.

Except she quit the quartet after a few minutes(A new record!), because everyone was being mean with their constructive criticism. And stuff.

Then she started singing "Grow a Pear," by Ke$ha. The now-quintet covered their ears with their hands again. And they continued on their way merrily(but only Bella).

Until a car came by and hit Bella without anyone seeing it first. Or hearing it, since they were covering their ears with their hands to block out the beautiful(gezundheit) sounds of Bella's singing. Let's just ignore the fact that they have vampire hearing and sight, okay?

Then they cried. Or they might have thrown a party, I'm not sure. Either way, they were sad. I think.


	3. A Bitch, A Big Fat One

**Rosalie's stereotype-for those of you who project her as a cold-hearted, vain bitch who will stop at nothing to ruin Bella's life.**

**HOW MANY TIMES HAVE WE TOLD YOU PEOPLE THAT ROSALIE DOESN'T HATE BELLA!? Plenty of times. She hates the fact that Bella is so bent on becoming immortal, that Bella wants to become one of them. She doesn't hate Bella just because Bella can have children and she can't. She hates that Bella is giving everything up.**

**'Nuff said.**

* * *

Belle is sitting with Edward on the couch, laughing at some stupid joke he just made. At least, I _think _ her name is Belle. I never really bothered to learn, 'cuz I'm just that much of a bitch.

I hate Belle. Hate her hate her hate her hate her hate her hate her hate her.

Did I mention that I hate her?

First of all, she likes my brother. Like, _like_ likes him. That's gross. _I _don't even like him.

Second of all, she can have kids. Sure, maybe not with Edward, but still. It could happen.

Third, she's pretty. And I hate anybody who is anywhere _near_ as pretty as me. Except Alice. She doesn't hunt enough to be this pretty.

Ew. Edward and Belle are sucking faces again.

"Like, do you guys ever, like, stop, like, licking each others', like, faces?" I say.

"Like, NOPE," Edward replies in an annoying teenage girl voice, then goes back to making out with Bella on the couch.

"Are you, like, mocking me?" I demand, outraged that Edward thinks his hair looks as good as mine. Trust me, I can tell.

"NOPE," He says again.

"Like, FINE." I say, then turn away from him, pouting.

Then I had the best idea ever. I'm going to make Belle be anorexic, just like me! Well, I would be. I just need to figure out how to make my self puke up deer blood.

"Hey, Belle, can you come with me for a minute?" I suddenly speak correctly, standing.

"Hey, I think she's fixed," Belle whispers to Edward, then stands, too.

I turn and stalk off, suddenly ignoring Belle for no reason.

Once we're in the other room, because that is _definitely _far enough away that Edward won't hear us, I speak. "Look, Belle-"

"It's Bella." she says.

"Uh-huh. Anyways, Edward doesn't really love you. But..."

"But? But what?" Belle says, her face ashen.

"But being anorexic will _make_ him love you! You'll be skinnier!" I say. "Obviously."

"_Oh_!" Belle says. "I was wondering how I was going to fix that."

Apparently she's known the whole time that Edward doesn't love her. And apparently she knows that being anorexic is going to make the world a better place.

Yeah.

"Anyways, you, like, need to, like, not eat anything, like, okay?" I say, suddenly reverting back to my annoying teenager speech.

"Damn," Belle mutters. "I thought she was fixed."

"What was that?" I ask.

"Oh, nothing!" Bella says cheerfully.

Edward conveniently walks into the room, putting his arm around Bella's waist. "Is there something going on in here?"

"Uh...I, I...I'm anorexic." Bella says shamefacedly, because she would definitely admit to Edward that she was anorexic. _Especially _if she was convinced the only way he would love her was if she was skinnier. Then she runs off somewhere, presumably to go puke up whatever she had already eaten today, so she could start fresh.

"Wait, Bella!" Edward yells, running after her. "You can't make yourself throw up! The world hates you, remember? You'll cough up a lung or something!"

"No me importe!" Bella calls back, just as I hear the crash of shattering glass, and Bella's scream.

Oops. Did _I_ leave that banana peel there?


	4. Stereotypical Stereotypes

**Honestly, Hyper!Alice reminds me of Vannellope in Wreck-It Ralph. No, I'm not too old to be watching that movie. I think.**

**These are all of the Twilight stereotypes mashed together into one chapter, along with some random personality quirks that I've read about in a couple stories. Emmett is the mediator in this one-I felt like at least _someone_ had to be normal.**

* * *

Emmett waltzed into the living room. Rosalie had a hand mirror, and was rearranging her hair; Bella was blushing because Edward was looking at her; Alice was jumping up and down because that is what Alice does; and Jasper was sitting in a chair, his expression changing every few seconds. First, there was confidence and disdain, then embarrassment, possessiveness, and, finally, excitement.

Because Jasper can't control himself when he feels other emotions, and he feels them at different times. DUH.

"What's up, guys?" Emmett asked cheerfully. His wife ignored him. Bella blushed again, because he was talking to her(Don't you hate it when people do that?), and Edward pulled her closer to him, glaring at Emmett. Alice said, "THE SKY! HEY, IS THAT A SQUIRREL?" and ran over to look out the window. Jasper glanced disdainfully at Emmett, then turned away with his nose in the air, making a disgusted "Hmpf" sound.

Obviously, he was channeling Rosalie.

"So, uh...Jasper, do you want to play Call of Duty?" Emmett asked.

Jasper blushed and looked away, unable to meet Emmett's gaze. Alice ran back to Emmett from the window, and jumped up and down in front of him, saying, "OH! PICK ME! PICK ME!" Bella blushed furiously as Edward stared at her. It was really creepy. Rosalie had the same reaction as Jasper had for the question prior.

"Uh...sure, Alice."

Emmett walked slowly over to the game console, turning it on. He already knew that the game was in there. Magically. He handed Alice a controller, and pressed a button to skip over the intro. He went to campaign mode. Since he had the first player controller, he controlled movements. And stuff.

Alice pouted pitifully. "Why can't _I_ be first player?"

Jasper suddenly dove for the first player controller. "BECAUSE IT'S MINE!" he screeched, running out of the room, a Chinese war yodel echoing behind him. Emmett calmly stood up, and walked out of the room. There were some sounds of yelling and crying, before he came back in with the controller, and sat down in front of the television.

Jasper followed dejectedly after a few seconds, plopping down in his chair with his arms crossed. He continued sobbing pitifully.

"_Emmettttttt_..." Alice whined, pouting. "You never answered my question! Why can't _I_ be first player?"

Jasper pouted too, having miraculously stopped crying in the space of about two seconds. "Yeah, Emmett-why can't _she_ be first player?"

"I give up!" Emmett yelled. He threw the controller at Alice, it smacked her in the face, and she went down like a sack of fairies. Jasper rushed over to her. "NO! MY PRECIOUS!" he said, lifting her up in his arms. "YOU WILL PAY!" he screeched, turning to Emmett. "YOU WILL PAY FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!"

"Hey," Emmett said, looking out the window. "I think that _is_ a squirrel."


End file.
